My heart beats so fast i can feel it in my stomach
This too shall pass
This too shall pass
But what am I supposed to do till then?
I stare at the Ukelele on my desk, gathering dust
Morning to dusk
I don't think I ever learned how to play that
Someone had it at their place
Didn't want it
Thought I'll enjoy it more
And just gave it to me
I don't even remember who it was anymore
All I remember of them is their generosity
And this ukelele
It reminds me of old lovers
Long ago
That barely loved me
That I begged for bread crumbs of affection off of
Like movies and songs of my adolescence
Things that meant the world to me at one point
Aren't even worth the dust they gather on a standing desk I bought off of Facebook market place anymore
My heart beats so fast I can taste it in my throat
I drown the distant noise of my housemate fucking by cranking up the volume of Netflix on my phone
I've been staring at these episodes of prison break before bed
No blue light filter
So close to my face
Pretty sure I'm cooking my brains as we speak
Pretty sure my pituitary gland is at least medium rare by now
If I keep going I think I can turn it into beef jerky within a couple business days
The thought of beef jerky makes me gag
A concoction of diet Gatorade and pre workout begging to donate itself onto my blanket
I clenched my jaw in protest
My heart is beating so fast
I'm pretty sure I can feel a pulse in between my buttcheeks
I'm sure it's going to be another 5h sleep tonight
I can feel it brewing.
Or not
I just bought a 50 pack of condoms and 8 energy drinks at chemist warehouse and I wonder what the cute sales assistant thought of me
I mean, what else was I supposed to do?
They were all on sale
and touch wood, despite all my hedonistic self abuses I have no ailments to complain of
So what else, should I do at chemist warehouse
I don't know
My heart beats so fast i can actually feel how lonely I am
I get in my car and drive
I drive around suburbs that I don't know the name of
I drive till I know for a fact that I'm lost
Then I put my phone aside
No maps
No searching
Then the real fun begins and I manage to gather my bearings within a few minutes and soon I'm back on a familiar road
On my way home
What a shame
A city so big
It used to feel so scary
Now I can't even get lost on purpose anymore
My brain, finally tired,
My eyes, finally sleepy
It's as if only external chaos can calm my insides
As if only a Reiki healing can fix my gut biome
This is a logic that only late nights can justify and I like that about myself in these moments
Just like unknown roads and the judgemental disregard from pretty sales assitants
Tough times don't last
I know that
The ukelele gathers dust on my desk
Morning to dusk
My heart beats so fast i can feel it in my chest
This too shall pass
This too shall pass
But what the hell am I supposed to do till then?
BS
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