In my truthful self,
I feel it all.
Sadness and fear,
Creeping and lingering like old friends,
Or maybe even old strangers.
With new and fresh dangers,
To that very same,
Truthful self, of mine.
On my days off,
I lie on the couch and eat chicken wings.
I watch videos of people travelling the world on my TV,
The uninhabitable places attract me.
There're no white people there,
No technology,
No modern complexities and luxuries,
And these indigenous people,
Their alarming simplicities,
And the subliminal surrender in that lifestyle captivates me.
It compliments the luxurious life I live really well.
The innocence of their naivities look so inspiring and surreal,
On my 4k LED television.
The alarm of my touchscreen airfryer blends in with the surround sound of the entertainment system.
My chicken wings are ready.
In my truthful self,
I feel it all.
I think I'm scared to be lonely
I think I'd die without my social groups
Without female validation
Without sex
And I contemplate these attractions
In my solitude
In my lonesome
While having the time of my life,
So far away from the regrets and inconveniences those things often bring.
"I really like myself,
And I really am my best friend,
And my lover."
I wrote that in my journal,
Which is no longer a book and a pen,
It's an app in my phone,
I pay an annual subscription for certain journalling templates that I never use.
They ask too many questions.
I find them annoying.
In my truthful self,
I feel it all.
Sometimes I feel invinsible
Like nothing can stop me
And in those moments I look around
And I see the same potential in others
In the eyes of my fellow human,
And that liberates me.
It solidifies my confidence.
It gives me permission.
To grow wings,
And in fact,
It gives me wings.
I don't even have to grow them.
So on times like this,
I feel it all.
And I think of the sights I've seen on TV.
I think of the viciousness,
Of human nature.
And I also think of kindness, and love.
I think of endless possibilities
And the rarities of life.
I think of vanity, sobriety,
I think of 3D cinemas,
And truffle flavoured chicken lollipops garnished with caviar.
I think of friendship,
And I think of dying alone.
"If I was given the choice,
I'd like to die alone.."
I told a friend of mine, when she asked me about it. And I felt my answer, to my core.
"I think we all die alone.." she replied.
I agree with her. Atleast I think so.
"And I can't wait to die.." I told her. I have so many friends on the otherside, it's going to be one big kick on. One big party. I hope they mentioned my name over there. Even though they died alone, they would've never been alone if they did so. So many people, so many beautiful people that know me. I can't wait to see them again.
"And I'm very lovable, you know?" I told my friend, with a smile on my face. I'm so lovable infact, I don't want anyone to grieve me. So I'd like to die alone. She laughed. And so did I. I think I was joking. I never know if I'm joking or not. Everything is funny, at the same time, nothing is funny at all.
So, In my truthful self,
I feel it all.
Sadness and fear,
Creeping and lingering like old friends,
Or maybe even old strangers.
With new and fresh dangers,
To that very same,
Truthful self, of mine.
BS
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