When I came to my senses,
The man was jumping out of his car to bash me.
Seat belt already off,
His mate in the driver's seat was grabbing him to prevent him from getting out of the car.
I stared at him.
Slightly scared, raging mad.
We held our stares, heads quivering in angst.
Two grown men wearing sunglasses
Staring back at me
With the same rage in my eyes
Reflected back to me
"Don't show weakness, don't show weakness" I told myself.
"What the fuck you doing brother? You almost hit me two times!"
Maybe it's my tone, or by some miracle either the word "brother" or the argument I was making made some SENSE to them, they calmed down, rolled their windows up and and drove off.
"Don't show any weakness" I remember thinking to myself as I maintained my angry facade.
I had just screamed at two grown men at the top of my lungs, doing over sixty kilometres per hour, for swerving onto my lane a couple times negligently.
As justifiable as my feelings were, this behaviour was still out of character for me. Rage and confidence aside, I was also in serious danger of being assaulted just now. And all this started with me.
I was so caught off guard by this anger of mine, and here I was thinking I was having a good day. It's true that I may have got news that a close friend had passed away a week ago, but still, I was confident that I was coping well with it. "I am the resident expert of losing close friends", I told one of my mates when they enquired about my feelings. "Nothing I haven't felt before. I've lost atleast one loved one every year in the last 5 years!" I remember telling them.
But here I was, ANGRY and making no SENSE. Strange. Strange indeed.
So i came home, texted to a couple friends about my thoughts , and even then, all I had to articulate was numbness. They day was still young, and still had some chores to do, I got started on them and was done within a couple hours. "That's it Yasi, start small and build on it.. that's what I do when I feel numb.." Was one of my friend's advice.
And so I did and went to bed with the biggest headache, adrenaline crashing through my aching body and mind, suddenly I just couldn't cope anymore. Tears flooded my eyes as I wept, almost out loud, struggling to muffle my gasps. I simply couldn't cope. I composed myself and in my sleepines, whispered to outloud: "I'm sorry, brother, I'm so so sorry."
Baby Sparky
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