When I first got to Sri Lanka, and even on the flights to, and before, I felt FEAR!
I was just so scared; of everything: leaving Australia, being in Sri Lanka, seeing family, catching flights etc; And for good reason too.
But my patience and resources came into play and I overcame everything I need to overcome. This included needing my friends support to metaphorically bail myself out of being stuck in the airport for a VISA issue in Sri Lanka.
Then I was confronted with the hurt of being near my family, having to have been apart, and all other nuances in between, especially with my relationship with my grandfather, who is just so hard to love. There's plenty about him that I find hard to approve, relate to, and even like! And processing all that in a short period of time, and FEELING an obligation to do so , especially, felt so fatiguing, especially with everything else that comes with going back home overseas, after a long time apart.
So, I prayed for love and acceptance. I prayed to love and show my love to my grandparents, and I prayed to let them in. And to let everyone in, and to feel less isolated. Because trust me, it's always very easy to feel isolated. Especially when you are SUPPOSED to feel it the least.
And I prayed, everynight, in the form of meditation, for this one thing, love and acceptance. Not of myself, even though I crave it so bad from everyone and everything, I prayed to better be able to love and accept my family. And it worked! Almost instantly, everyday , I reached a better state of mind to be able to see my grandparents as human, and also to be able to validate myself, and not want it from others.
But, unexpected were the lessons of love and so were mine, that I least expected, my love no longer felt the NEED to accept others to love them. Matter of fact, I no longer felt the need to have to accept them and to LET THEM IN, to be able to love them!
In the same way that I shouldn't need anyone else's approval for me to love myself, I didn't need to fully approve someone else to fully love them! Actually, me loving someone that's hard to love, was reaching levels more and more selfless, as I gave up on accepting them. And it had everything to do with me feeling SAFE within myself , and being able to ACCEPT myself, and my ability to feel so!
So today, I pray, that I LOVE; myself, and others. And I pray that they love me, and in that process, that they are able to, love themselves too.
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