(self) love

1

Last night I told someone I care so much about that "I'm really good at my job!". It had taken a long journey of working on my self esteem, and also quite a significant number of hard work for me to come to this point of being able to admit so, to a loved one! And knowing what I know about the industry and life, it might even be a thing that I would vocalise to even a complete stranger! It might leave a high expectation of me that begs to be delivered , but I'm confident of the fact that Im able to do so! In fact, this reminds me, just a weak ago I turned down a job simply because "I'm worth more", and the employer agreed to pay me more! This is an aspect of reality and myself that I have been discovering, and that I believe in!

But last night, simply catching up about life and upon being asked about how my work is going, the loved one, aforementioned, suddenly started giving me feedback on my statement. "You sound arrogant and you run the risk of accepting 'slightly above average', if you say things like that." Was their opinion. Upon reflection, neither was their opinion necessary of them to vocalise, but also is simply untrue. Neither is my performance as an employee or how I come across, was accurate in their eyes, and also how they perceive this world, obvious from their statement, was also different to mine. Knowing the history of our different opinions, and their harshness in communication, I simply resorted to stating, "I'm not sure what to say, that's just hurtful." , to which their response was "fair enough..".

We chatted for 10 more minutes and I still displayed the empathy and kindness that they deserve even though I felt quite deprived of my fair share of the same.

It's that same self confident that allowed me to tap into an abundance of affection that they themselves were an recipient of; and also my ability to communicate how they've hurt my feelings was also thanks to that "arrogance". In a moment of being unseen, I chose to advocate to be seen; and in a moment of what I felt as disconnect, I aimed to connect, and made sure to leave them feeling supported. Not only that I choose to believe that "I'm really good at my job.", I also choose to believe that they love me in their own way, and that they deserve affection too, despite them not showing it to me as much.

Maybe one day, my statement might be "true", I humorously thought to myself: "maybe one day I'll end up being good at my job and they'll start being nice to me." For I know their journey and mine, I know how far the both of us have come, to be the people we are today. Maybe the journey I've had in my self confidence could be compared to the journey they have yet to make in their ability to see more perspectives than theirs, but if I can be the man I am today, it's guaranteed that they themselves will be their highest self oneday, if not, today.

2

"Who? Me? Noooooo, not me!" Fatila said as she shook her head. She refused to partake in the coffee training exercise. "I just work in the kitchen!" She said.

She's our Iraqi kitchen hand at the cafe that I work at on the weekends. Bit of extra money and something to do, so I figured "why not?", when I said yes to the opportunity. 

"Yes, you, Fatila! I'll do it with you!" I told her, so I practically held her hand as she poured frothed milk onto a shot of coffee in a mug, finishing off in the shape of a heart. She laughed almost in relief just as much in happiness, and she thanked me before rushing off with her shyness.

"Good job Fatila!" I told her as she walked away, she reminds me of my grand ma, I think they are both about the same age, Fatila might be just a bit younger.

She's always shy, that woman, the last to walk through the door when it first opens in the morning; her English is quite broken and she rarely talks but I know that "Iraq is a beautiful country", and that she misses home.

"Don't ever change, Fatila!" I yelled out loud as I left work today, making her laugh uncontrollably. "Don't ever change, don't even think about it, perfect, the way you are.."

In a world of kindness and abundance, I see her as hesitant to grasp what's hers, for pleasure and luxury are all our birthright, and if not a conversation, even if all I get from her is a smile, it  still feels redemptive and just in my heart. And for some reason, I have so much love in my heart for the likes of her, and I hope she feels that in me too.

3

After a disagreement, I was wondering if the chef of the kitchen is still frustrated with me, I guess seeing how he's added a smiley face next to my name when he made me lunch answers that question.