I got the chance to listen to Dr. Andrew Hubermann's podcast episode with Dr. Paul Conti (3rd episode) on the topic of 'How to build and maintain healthy relationships'.
There wasn't anyone else on site this morning, so I had their conversation blaring on the speaker as I worked. These are my notes and thoughts.
Notes: (paraphrased), my opinions will be within [square brackets].
(Dr.) Conti see an individual's 'Gratitude' and 'Agency' as the two most significant personality traits. Gratitude being self explanatory, and Angency being a sense of 'self-responsibility' on what impacts the individual and a tendency to act on changing what can be (improved) in such a context.
In this episode, he discussed what drives the union of two people, a relationship, platonic or romantic, towards 1. Health, 2. Longevity.
He sees such drives as such:
1. Generative drive, being the optimism to want to grow and be better, and the belief and desire to want and to be able to achieve positive change. Positive being synonymous with "healthy".
Gifts given to others with no expectations are from a generative drive and abundance. This generosity can look like empathy or compromise. For example, two people in a relationship that differ in their intimate needs can be seen to compromise and collaborate on their needs to see a more "middle ground" of needs being met.
[Isn't compromise and generosity an act of intimacy itself?]
2. Pleasure drive, being the lenses of light heartedness, and arguably, relaxation, that increases the likelihood of being able to see all experiences on a scale of satisfaction, and as satisfying.
For example, in the context of a "Trauma bond", where both parties have prior trauma experienced before their relationship, can actually enjoy a healthy dynamic between them, with compatible and ideal levels of Growth and Pleasure drives.
[Who says healing has to be boring?]
[I have read that in joyous pleasure inducing contexts, a.k.a. "play", both adults and children learned and was able to recall information and modify behaviour (?) 5x faster than a typical non "play" based learning experience.]
3. Assertive drive, or aggressive drive, is the likelihood and the initiative on taking action to better actualise aforementioned Generative and Pleasure drives. [It's also the drive of communication and expression.]
The negative circumstances for an individual's and a respective relationship as discussed by C. stood out as such:
1. Demoralisation: the lack there of, or the intent of lowering someone else, Agency, Gratitude, or any of the positive drives.
2. Avoidance: as discussed as a common outcome of trauma victims, even though it wasn't seen as a "bad" thing, it was highlighted as a potential hurdle to overcome with empathy , for a relationship to thrive.
3. Envy: as seen as a demoralising manifestation of "jealousy", it's the limiting belief coming from a place of stagnancy that leads an individual to feel demoralised or to want to demoralise someone else.
For example, it was mentioned that sadness comes from lack of gratitude, but the simultaneous desire for agency (change!). So, if an individual lacks a certain optimism, drive and gratitude, they can see themselves slip into a state of Envy.
To add further to what else stood out to me, boundaries were seen as healthy habits that further an individual's life and a respective relationship.
[It's interesting how what seems to be a hurdle to overcome, a boundary, can end up bringing people together.]
[And also, boundaries and these other compatibilities in a relationship discussed in the episode, were seen as traits that can positive impact related individuals' immediate social circles and have an impact on their immediate ethics and cultures.]
-Baby Sparky
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